I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
