Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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