Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
