I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
