I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
