i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
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