Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Randomize
