I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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