i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
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