I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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