I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
Just made ouyt with a dude on the real wporld...I said I dont want my face blired out
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Randomize
