If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Randomize
