my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
that may or may not have been my penis.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Randomize
