Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
