Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Randomize
