nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
