I could make wine with my vomit
Question. If Kwik Trip and Kum and Go were to merge, what would they call it? Kwik Kum or Kum Kwik?
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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