i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Randomize
