Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Randomize
