ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Pi�atas plus fireworks don't mix well
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Randomize
