He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
