How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
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