the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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