The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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