here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
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