Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Randomize
