Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Randomize
