Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
