Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Drunk walkin through police station. America
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Randomize
