I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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