Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
Randomize
