chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
