I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
