My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Randomize
