I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
