so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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