Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
