Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
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