why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Randomize
