I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
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