I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Randomize
