wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
