Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
His hands were made for my vagina.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
