i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
