did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
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