if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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