I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Randomize
