she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
we're so committed to being not committed
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
Randomize
