My liver just broke up with me...
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Randomize
