Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
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