Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Randomize
